CONDITIONAL vs UNCONDITIONAL GIVERS

Understanding the dynamic between conditional givers and takers

I have realized that the times when I have felt abused by someone it’s usually because I have been giving too much for a while without the “deserved” remuneration. 

In other words, giving conditionally and expecting appreciation or any kind of return for my role as a “giver”. 

When we are conditional givers, we can become as abusive as the takers, because expecting something in return for what we give without communicating clear expectations and setting common agreements it’s called manipulation (even if we aren’t conscious of it).

Conditional givers are drawn to takers and vice versa, because we need mirrors to show us what we need to heal.

The root of conditional givers is the idea of “not being enough”. Result of a childhood with several conditions in order to get some reward with lack of sincere affection, learning that our value is based only on what we bring to the table. 

In this case, conditional givers are predisposed with the tendency of giving compulsively in order to be loved or accepted, incapable of asking for needs but instead hoping for others to read minds and figure out the need of emotional remuneration.

but that’s something takers don’t understand, because they are usually bottomless pits (even if they aren’t conscious of it).

Eventually, conditional givers become drained, exhausted and resented because we believe we have been abused by a taker, which is probably true

however, it takes two! and both are simply faces of the same coin.

How can we overcome this tendency?

• Recognizing we have it,
• Doing the work to heal the root,
• Communicating clear expectations and boundaries from the beginning of ALL our relationships. and specially, 
• Practicing true kindness with oneself and others, 

Because a true kind person is good without the need to prove it by giving and/or putting themselves down in order to get some “appreciation”. 

True kind people have:

• Clear boundaries
• Loving communication skills
• Zero altered agendas and 
• Sєlf-lσvє

True givers are unconditional to others without putting the responsibility of debt or appreciation because they won’t even needed, self love, clear boundaries and healthy communication are enough

They pour from their own fulfilled cup.

True Kind people who are happy, healed and healthy, won’t need others “payment” for their giving because personal appreciation and recognition is within them at all times. 

LALY PENA

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